Anticipatory Grief: Grieving Before Loss
Sometimes grief begins before a loss actually happens.
You might feel sadness, anxiety, anger, guilt, or a quiet sense of dread while someone you love is still here. This can feel confusing and even uncomfortable — especially when the world expects you to be “strong”, “hopeful”, or “grateful for the time you still have”.
This experience has a name: anticipatory grief.
And if you’re feeling it, you are not doing anything wrong.
You are human.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is the emotional response we experience when we know a loss is coming.
This might happen when:
A loved one has a serious or terminal illness
Someone you care about is living with dementia
A big life change is approaching (such as divorce, relocation, or loss of independence)
You are supporting someone nearing end of life
You are watching someone gradually change or fade
It’s the grief that arrives early.
It can feel like living in two worlds at once:
One where your loved one is still here
And one where part of you is already preparing to say goodbye
This emotional “in-between” space can feel incredibly heavy and lonely.
Why this kind of grief can feel confusing
Many people feel guilty for grieving before a loss has happened.
You might think:
“I should be grateful they’re still here.”
“I shouldn’t feel like this yet.”
“What if they knew I was already grieving?”
“Am I giving up hope?”
But anticipatory grief is not about giving up hope.
It’s about your heart trying to prepare, protect, and make sense of change.
You are adjusting to the reality that life is shifting.
And that is deeply human.
Common feelings in anticipatory grief
Everyone experiences grief differently, but you might notice:
Waves of sadness or tearfulness
Anxiety about the future
Feeling emotionally exhausted
Irritability or frustration
Guilt for moments of relief or normality
Difficulty concentrating
Feeling torn between hope and acceptance
Grieving the future you imagined
Feeling lonely or misunderstood
You might also feel moments of deep love, closeness, and appreciation.
Grief and love often sit side by side.
The grief that comes in layers
With anticipatory grief, you may be grieving many things at once.
You may be grieving:
The person they used to be
The life you imagined together
Changes in roles or responsibilities
The loss of certainty and stability
The slow changes that others may not see
This can make grief feel ongoing and complicated, rather than a single moment in time.
How to support yourself through anticipatory grief
There is no “right way” to do this. But gentle self-support can make the experience feel less overwhelming.
1. Allow your feelings to exist
You don’t have to push your emotions away or judge them.
Two feelings can exist at once:
Hope and sadness
Gratitude and fear
Love and anger
All of these feelings are valid.
2. Let go of guilt
Feeling grief now does not mean you love someone less.
In many ways, it means the opposite.
Anticipatory grief is often the heart’s way of saying:
“This person matters deeply to me.”
3. Stay present where you can
When the future feels heavy, gently bring yourself back to the present moment.
Small moments matter:
A conversation
Sitting together in silence
A shared memory
A cup of tea together
A moment of laughter
These moments can feel grounding and meaningful.
4. Acknowledge the emotional load of caring
If you are supporting someone who is unwell or changing, you may be carrying a lot.
You might be:
Supporting others emotionally
Managing responsibilities
Trying to stay strong for family
Putting your own needs last
It is okay to need support too.
You don’t have to hold everything alone.
5. Talk about it
Anticipatory grief can feel isolating because it is rarely talked about openly.
Speaking with a therapist or counsellor can offer:
A safe space to talk honestly
Somewhere to process complex emotions
Support without judgement
Space to focus on your experience too
You deserve support during this time — not just after loss.
You don’t have to wait until after loss to seek support
Many people believe grief support is only for after someone has died.
But grief often begins long before that moment.
Support during anticipatory grief can help you:
Feel less alone
Understand your emotions
Reduce guilt and overwhelm
Care for yourself while caring for others
Prepare emotionally in a gentle way
You deserve support now, not just later.
A gentle reminder
If you are experiencing anticipatory grief, you are not doing this wrong.
You are responding to love, uncertainty, and change.
And that can feel incredibly heavy to carry on your own.
If you would like support
At Kindred Ear Therapeutic Counselling, I offer a calm, supportive space where you can talk openly about grief, change, and the emotions that come with them.
You don’t have to navigate this alone.
If you’d like to explore working together, you are warmly welcome to get in touch.