Supporting a Grieving Child: What Helps and What Doesn't
Children may express grief through play, creativity and quiet moments of connection.
When a child is grieving, sadness may not be the first thing you notice.
Their grief might appear as anger, anxiety, difficulty concentrating or a sudden need to stay close to the adults they trust. They may become tearful without an obvious reason, spend more time alone or seem completely unaffected by what has happened. Some will want to talk, while others may not have the words or the desire to explain what they are feeling.
Every child experiences grief differently. Their response will be shaped by their age, their stage of development, their relationship with the person who died and the circumstances surrounding the death.
The most helpful thing an adult can offer is not a perfect explanation. It is honesty, patience and a relationship in which the child's questions and feelings are welcome.
A child's grief may not look like sadness
A grieving child may feel angry that someone they love has died. They may be angry because they do not understand what has happened or because life now feels unfair.
Anxiety can also become more noticeable. A child may not want a parent or carer to leave because they are frightened that this person will not come back. Other children may shut down, withdraw or appear to carry on as normal. They might laugh, play with friends and then become upset only minutes later.
Moving between grief and play is a normal response. Play can give a child's mind a break while they continue to process what has happened.
A child returning to their toys does not mean they have forgotten the person or do not care.
Use clear and honest language
Adults often want to soften the language of death because they are trying to protect a child. However, phrases such as “gone to sleep,” “passed away,” “we lost them” or “gone to the stars” can be confusing.
If a child is told that Grandma has gone to sleep, they may become frightened that they or somebody else will not wake up. If they hear that a person is lost or has gone away, they may wait for them to return.
It is clearer to use the words “died” and “dead,” then explain what they mean in language the child can understand. You might say:
“I have some very sad news. Grandma died. Her body stopped working, and she cannot come back.”
The amount of detail will depend on the child's age and understanding. Give information in small amounts, check what they have understood and allow them to guide you with their questions.
If you do not know the answer, it is okay to say so. You might say:
“I don't know the answer to that, but I will try to find out.”
If you are too overwhelmed to answer immediately, explain that you need a little time. Make sure you return to the conversation later.
Repeated questions are part of processing
A child may ask the same question many times. This does not mean they were not listening. Younger children may not fully understand that death is permanent, and their understanding will continue to develop as they grow. Try to answer consistently. Asking, “Can you tell me what you think has happened?” may reveal misunderstandings, such as the child believing that the death was their fault.
Let children see that feelings are allowed
Children often look to the adults around them to understand how grief works. You do not have to hide every tear or pretend that you are fine. You might say, “I am crying because I miss Granddad. I feel very sad today, but I am safe and I am here with you.” This shows that tears are allowed, while reassuring the child that you can still care for them.
There is a difference between sharing your feelings and asking a child to carry them. A child should not feel responsible for comforting a parent or becoming “the strong one.”
If your child begins taking responsibility for everybody else, gently remind them that the adults are still responsible for looking after them.
You might say:
“You do not have to look after everybody else's feelings. The adults are still here to look after you.”
Do not force a child to talk
Creating opportunities to talk is different from insisting that a child talks.
Some children do not yet have the words to describe what is happening inside them. Others may prefer drawing, storytelling, play, movement or music. They could write a letter, make a memory box, create a photo book or use toys to act out a story. Sitting beside a child while they play can sometimes tell you more than a series of direct questions.
These should be invitations, not tasks. A child should not have to explain their picture or share private thoughts before they are ready. Let them know you are available, then allow them to choose when and how they respond.
Avoid telling them to be brave
“Be brave” is usually said with kindness. However, a child may hear that crying, fear or sadness is a weakness, and begin hiding their feelings to protect the adults around them.
Instead, try:
“You do not have to be brave with me. Whatever you feel is okay.”
All feelings hold information. Sadness can show that somebody mattered, while anger may show that something feels unfair. You do not have to remove every difficult feeling. Helping a child name it and know they are not alone can be enough.
Include children in conversations about the funeral
Adults sometimes exclude children from funerals because they want to protect them. I understand that intention, but I also know how painful the result can be.
When my granddad died, I was not allowed to attend his funeral. My nan believed she was protecting me from something upsetting.
But I already knew that my granddad had died. What I lost was the opportunity to say goodbye alongside my family. I felt hurt, left out and as though my relationship with him was not important enough. Thirty years later, I understand why my nan made that decision, but I still feel some resentment about being excluded.
This does not mean that every child should attend a funeral. It means that, where possible, they should be included in the conversation and given a genuine choice.
Explain who will be at the funeral, what the child might see, that people may cry and what will happen to the coffin. Invite questions and check what they want.
A child who attends might want to draw a picture, write a few words or choose a song. They should also have a trusted adult who can leave with them if it becomes too much.
If the child does not want to attend, respect that decision. They could plant something, visit a meaningful place, light a candle with an adult or hold a small family ritual at home.
The important part is choice, preparation and inclusion.
How schools can support a grieving child
Grief can follow a child into the classroom, even when they do not speak about it.
A teacher may notice sudden tears, anger towards classmates, withdrawing in the playground, difficulty concentrating or worries about another family member dying.
Where appropriate, home and school should share information and use the same clear language.
Helpful school support might include:
agreeing on a trusted adult the child can approach
providing a quiet space when feelings become overwhelming
allowing a transitional or comforting object
being aware of birthdays, anniversaries and family events
adjusting expectations when concentration is difficult
continuing to say the name of the person who died
Ask the child what would help. Some will not want classmates to know. Others may want their teacher to explain what happened so they do not have to repeat it.
Children are the experts in their own grief. Support works best when it is offered with them, not done to them.
Grief can return as a child grows
A child's grief does not follow a straight path or finish after a set amount of time.
Birthdays, school performances and family celebrations can bring the loss back into focus. A child may feel sadness that the person is not there, anger that they died too soon or guilt that they could not prevent the death.
Family roles may also change. A child might help more at home, care for younger siblings or try to support a grieving parent. What begins as kindness can become a responsibility that is too heavy.
Do not assume the child is coping because they appear mature. Remind them that they are not responsible for replacing the person who died or holding the family together.
Keep the door open for questions and feelings that may return years later.
When additional support may help
You know your child better than anybody else. Grief can naturally affect mood, sleep, appetite, behaviour and concentration, especially in the early days.
Consider seeking additional support if changes continue, become more intense or significantly affect the child's everyday life. They may remain very withdrawn, struggle with eating or sleeping, be unable to manage school or stop enjoying things that usually matter to them.
A child may find it easier to speak with somebody outside the family because they do not have to worry about upsetting the adults they love. You can begin with the child's school, GP, school nurse or counsellor. Local hospices and bereavement services may also help.
Where children, young people and supporting adults can find help
Child Bereavement UK supports grieving children and young people up to the age of 25, as well as adults supporting them. Its bereavement specialists can be reached on 0800 02 888 40, with phone, live chat, email and text or WhatsApp options available.
Grief Encounter provides specialist support for bereaved children, young people and families. Its support number is 0808 802 0111.
Cruse Bereavement Support offers support to anybody in the UK affected by grief, including adults who need help understanding their own feelings or supporting a child. Its free helpline is 0808 808 1677.
If you or a young person needs someone to listen at any time, Samaritans can be called free on 116 123, 24 hours a day. If a child or anybody else is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E.
Reaching out for additional support does not mean that you have failed your child. It means you are recognising that neither of you has to carry everything alone.
There is no single right way for a child to grieve
A grieving child does not need perfect words. They need honesty, patience, reassurance and permission to respond in their own way.
They may cry and then laugh, ask the same question many times, want to play or say nothing at all. Their grief may become quieter and return at another milestone.
None of this means they are doing grief incorrectly.
Let them know they are still loved, still cared for and not responsible for holding everybody else together.
You do not have to remove their grief. You can help them feel less alone inside it.
If your child or young person is grieving and you would like to