Signs of Grief in Children and Young People: What You Might Notice and How to Help

Your child has started spending more time alone. Small things lead to big arguments. Bedtime has become difficult, or they keep asking whether you are going to die too.

Perhaps your teenager says, “I’m fine,” but no longer wants to see their friends. You can sense that something has changed, yet every attempt to talk seems to end with a closed door.

When a child or young person is grieving, their feelings may show through their behaviour before they can explain them in words. As a parent or carer, this can leave you worried and unsure what to do, especially if you are grieving too.

You don’t need perfect words. Understanding what might be happening is a place to begin.

Grief doesn’t always look like sadness

Children can feel loss deeply while showing it very differently from adults. A younger child might cry about someone who has died, then ask for a snack or return to playing. This movement in and out of grief is sometimes called “puddle jumping”. Playing and laughing do not mean they have forgotten.

Their understanding also changes as they grow. A loss experienced when they were little may bring new questions and feelings years later. This does not mean they are going backwards. They are understanding the loss in a new way.

The examples below are possibilities, not a checklist for diagnosing grief. Changes in behaviour can have several causes. What matters is noticing what is different for your child, listening with curiosity, and considering how much their difficulties are affecting everyday life.

Withdrawal and isolation

You might notice fewer conversations, unanswered messages or a growing reluctance to join in. A child who usually chats on the way home may become quiet. A teenager might stop attending football or spend most evenings behind their bedroom door.

They may feel that friends don’t understand, or worry that talking will upset you. Sometimes being with other people simply feels tiring. Feeling alone and misunderstood can be part of a young person’s grief.

Try a gentle invitation:

“I’ve noticed you’ve been spending more time on your own. You don’t have to explain everything, but I’m here. Would you like some company?”

Offer something small: making toast together, watching a familiar programme or taking a short walk. Respect their need for space while continuing to offer contact.

Anger, irritability and sudden outbursts

Grief can include anger at what happened, at the person who died, or at how unfair life now feels.

At home, this might look like shouting over homework, snapping at a sibling or becoming upset when plans change. An argument about putting shoes on may happen on a morning when they are especially missing the person who used to take them to school.

You can acknowledge the feeling and keep a boundary:

“I can see you’re really angry. I’m here to help, and I won’t let you hit.”

When things are calmer, offer a choice of movement, drawing or quiet company. They do not have to explain the feeling immediately.

Worry, clinginess and fear of another loss

A child may follow you around the house, struggle with school drop-off or repeatedly ask when you will be back. A teenager might become distressed when you don’t answer your phone.

After a death, the world can feel less predictable. Clear plans can help: who is collecting them, where they will be, and when they can expect to see you.

Younger children may also return to behaviours they had grown out of, such as needing help at bedtime or having toileting accidents. Respond with patience rather than shame.

Intrusive thoughts and frightening “what ifs”

An intrusive thought is an unwanted thought, image or urge that comes into the mind without being invited. Having one does not mean a young person wants it to happen.

After a bereavement, you might hear:

• “I keep getting a picture in my head that I don’t want.”

• “What if someone else dies?”

• “What if something I thought made it happen?”

Not every question about death is an intrusive thought. Children also ask questions to understand what has happened. But unwanted thoughts can feel frightening, particularly if the young person believes the thought says something bad about them. It’s important to remember that a thought is just a thought, it is not a fact! The more we thing about them, the stronger they become within the mind and harder to let go.

You could say:

“Thank you for telling me. You aren’t in trouble for having that thought. Can you tell me what happens when it turns up?”

If thoughts lead to repeated checking, rituals, constant requests for certainty or avoidance, seek professional advice. Intrusive thoughts alone do not mean a child has OCD, but these patterns deserve attention. CAMHS

Distressing images or memories can also occur when a bereavement has been experienced as traumatic. Persistent nightmares, overwhelming fear or avoiding reminders of the person may need specialist support. We should not assume every difficulty is simply something a child must get through with time.

Changes in sleep, appetite and physical comfort

Grief can affect the body as well as feelings. You may notice difficulty settling, waking in the night, tiredness, changes in appetite, headaches or tummy aches.

For example, a child might feel sick before school, or struggle with dinner because someone’s empty chair makes the loss feel especially clear. These physical feelings are real.

Offer familiar routines and gentle care. Speak to their GP about persistent pain, significant changes in eating or weight, or ongoing sleep difficulties; physical symptoms should not automatically be put down to grief.

Difficulty concentrating or seeming unusually “good”

A young person may forget instructions, struggle to begin homework or lose interest in things they previously enjoyed. Another may become very helpful and insist they need nothing.

Both deserve a gentle check-in. A child who is trying hard to protect you may need to hear:

“You don’t have to look after my feelings. There are adults helping me. You can tell me when things are hard for you too.”

Changes in learning, behaviour or attention can be part of bereavement. Let school know what has happened and discuss what support would feel manageable.

Gentle activities to try together

These are invitations, not tasks to complete. Offer one at a time, follow their interests, and stop if they become uncomfortable. Adapt the language and materials to their understanding and communication needs.

1. Draw today’s feelings as weather

Ask: “If today felt like weather, what would it be?”

A younger child could draw sunshine, fog, rain or several kinds of weather together. A teenager might choose a photograph, emoji or song.

Then ask: “What might help with that weather today?”

This gives you a way to connect without expecting a detailed explanation.

2. Make a comfort box or phone list

Together, choose a few things they find comforting. This might include a soft toy, drawing materials, a familiar photograph or a note naming someone they can speak to.

An older young person could make a phone note with a playlist, supportive contacts and a few manageable options for difficult moments.

Let them choose. What comforts one child may not comfort another.

3. Create a memory collection

If they want to, collect photographs, drawings, favourite sayings or memories of the person who died. A teenager may prefer a private digital album or playlist.

Try prompts such as:

“Something I remember…”

“Something I wish I could tell you…”

There is room for mixed feelings. If the relationship was difficult, they do not need to produce happy memories or take part.

4. Make an “I need…” card

Sometimes a child knows they feel overwhelmed but cannot explain what would help. Create a few options they can point to:

• Please sit with me.

• I want some space; check on me later.

• Can we do something together?

• I want to talk.

• I don’t know what I need yet.

For a teenager, agree on a text or emoji they can send when talking feels too difficult.

5. Gently notice the room around you

When a child feels overwhelmed, invite them to press their feet against the floor and notice three things they can see, two sounds they can hear and one thing they can feel, such as a soft sleeve.

You might say: “We can stay here together for a moment.”

Offer this as a way to settle in the present, without asking them to make their feelings disappear. Stop if it is unhelpful; calm company may be enough.

Small, honest conversations matter

Use clear, age-appropriate language when talking about death. Phrases such as “gone to sleep” can confuse younger children or make bedtime frightening. Give information in small amounts and allow questions to return. Child Bereavement UK

You do not have to turn every shared moment into a conversation about grief. There can be room for sadness, ordinary routines, laughter and time together.

When might a child need more support?

Many children are supported by caring adults around them. Others benefit from additional help. Speak with their GP, school pastoral team or a qualified professional if distress is worsening, significantly affecting daily life, or leaving you concerned about their wellbeing. You do not need to wait for a set amount of time.

Persistent intrusive thoughts, frightening memories or severe avoidance warrant assessment so support addresses what is happening for that individual child.

If a child talks about wanting to die, hurting themselves or being unable to stay safe, take this seriously and seek urgent help. If there is immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E.

Support for you, too

Supporting a grieving child can bring up your own sadness, exhaustion and uncertainty. Your feelings deserve space alongside theirs.

My Kindred-Ear Grief Support Workbook was created for adults, so it may be a gentle resource for your own grief while you support a child or young person. There is also a free sample to explore at your own pace. You can find it through the workbook link on the Kindred-Ear homepage.

If you are concerned about your child and would like to explore counselling, I offer support for children, young people and adults, online and in person in Walthamstow, subject to room availability.

You are welcome to book a free 20-minute introductory call to talk about what you have noticed and whether working together could help.